


What Love really means

by lyonessheart



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, F/M, M/M, Remixed, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-10
Updated: 2017-05-10
Packaged: 2018-10-26 13:50:32
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,637
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10787952
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lyonessheart/pseuds/lyonessheart
Summary: She always thought she knew what love truly meant, until she really understood. Remix of "Second First Chances" by megyal





	What Love really means

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Second First Chances](https://archiveofourown.org/works/1793212) by [megyal](https://archiveofourown.org/users/megyal/pseuds/megyal). 



  
The door slams, I hear myself yell "I hate you" but still I know it is not true. It is the only word that adequately expresses my ire at my lover. How dare he tell me that he loves me and at the same time notify me that he is going to  leave for another two years, offering that I could come with him, when it would mean leaving my entire family behind. He knows that they are my world. How am I supposed to tell dad that I will be across the ocean for two years! If Theo really expects that I will just follow him blindly he must not know or love me at all . And with that realization the tears come. I start crying, because I love him so much it hurts, even thought that maybe he was the one.  

It is crazy to believe that I am still my daddy's little girl at twenty-five, and now I am torn between losing the man I love and my family. I cannot imagine being so far away, and not seeing them whenever I want.

Some time must have passed in which drained from my hard cry I fell asleep, because when I come to, my father sits at my bed and strokes my back, just like he did when I was a little girl and cried over a scraped knee. He looks at me and I look at him, his eyes so full of love and it just bursts out of me. "How can he say that he loves me? And force me to choose between him and you?"

"Oh hon." His voice is soft. "You fought?" 

"Theo just informed me that he has been offered a Working Internship for the Wizarding Council in the USA, and he has decided to go, without talking to me first!" I start to cry again.

"So he asked you to come with him?" Dad raises his eyebrow subtly, and I feel like I am missing something.

"He told me that I would be welcome to go with him." I hiccup, embarrassingly. "But if he really loved me, he should have asked my opinion first!" 

"And what would you have said?" Dads green eyes shimmer, in the manner that he always has when he waits for me to figure out what I have done wrong.

"Well..." and I stop, what would I have said?

"Sleep a little hon, I need to talk to your papa." He tucks me in and I lie there, pondering the fight but drifting off to sleep after a while.

 

*******

 

"You think this is a good idea?"

Papa whispers. As I slowly rise from the depths of sleep, he sits down on the bed. "What if she doesn't understand?"

"She will." 

That is Dad, and he sounds so confident that I open my eyes and look at them. 

"What will I understand?" I am curious.

Papa smiles gently, the special smile that he rarely shows outside. My parents are still good-looking, especially when they smile and are happy, no matter that they are old.  Papa looks as if there is not a grey hair on his head yet, and Dad has that salt and pepper look. But most of all the love for each other that shines from their eyes is amazing. I have always wanted that kind of love for my own life. And now it seems that I misjudged the man that I wanted to spend my life with.

"That love is not always easy." Dad smiles.

"I will give you a story to read. Our story, and we can talk about it if you have questions." Papa pulls something out of his pocket and hands it to me.

"It's a book."  I sound bewildered to my own ears.

"Read it. And if you want to ask things, come and find us." Papa kisses my forehead and stands up. Dad stretches his hand out towards him, and Papa goes willingly. They close the bedroom door quietly and I am left alone.

I watch them fondly and settle down to read. If they think it is something I should know I will trust them, and ask questions later.

 

***

 

I sink into the book that Papa gave me. At first he talks about his life after the war, and for the first time I get a true impression of the struggle his life must have been. He never talked much about his early twenties, preferring to keep quiet and focus on the “here and now” as he always said. He left England for a couple of years and studied Law in France, he talks about his parents and through it all I feel the deep connection that they always had. He mentions Dad only in passing, when he reads about him in the newspaper, but always with the intent of someday being good enough to say "thank you" for everything Dad has done for him.

I am touched at the thought that Dad has been on Papa's mind for years, long before they got together. Papa decided to come back to England after his studies, and after turning 27 hoping that enough time had passed. He writes about more hard work, and then finally finding the courage to approaching Dad.

 

_ I can't believe that he said yes to drinks. I just hope that he can see that I have changed. If it weren't so unbecoming of a grown man I would pace a line into the expensive carpet until it is time for me to floo over. Hopefully I am not completely overdressed in my suit. _

 

A smile tugs at my mouth. It is hard to imagine my cool and collected Papa so nervous about meeting someone for drinks. I continue to flip through the pages and realize how much chemistry they must have had. Papa has been free with his feelings and he writes that he has fallen in love with Dad the moment he set eyes on him, during their first official date. The description of their first time together makes me blush to the roots of my hair.

 

_ The first time we made love, it was passion pure as a blurred exchange of kisses, lips smoothing over hot skin, hands everywhere.  _

 

Who wants to know that about their parents? But then again the two of them still are so much in love that it doesn't really surprise me to read this. But what do they want me to learn from this? Theo and I have such chemistry as well, so should we work this well together then? 

I  need to read more about my Papa, before I understand it all.  
  


*******

 

_ I cannot believe how happy Harry makes me. Being with him makes me complete, and he makes me want to get even better and better for him. I will work even harder to make sure that he will never lack for anything. _

_ He and I are so good together, we have the chemistry and everything, that connection I never had with anybody else before and I hope that he will stay with me forever. _

 

I put the book down and frown a little. Didn't Dad say that they fought a lot? This sounds as if Papa was very much in love with Dad, but that his determination to work hard to better himself for Dad might have gotten in the way?

 

It seems that I do need to ask questions, before finishing this book. Padding towards the living room I find them settled together on the sofa, Dad tucked against Papa's shoulder and reading. I almost feel like I am interrupting but I need to know more about them.

"Papa?" he looks at me gently and I feel safe in asking. "What went wrong between you? It sounds like you were so much in love in your diary?"

Papa sighs, "I think a lot of it was my fault. Even though we were both in our thirties already, we both were still insecure and not ready for a mature relationship."

Dad jumps in, "No it was not only your fault."

"I loved Harry and when I found out that Oz was on the way, it was just natural to ask him to stay with me." I smile at the thought, but Dad and Papa look sad at the memory.

"I thought I was ready to be with your Papa. I had never had a family and wanted to have one, I thought we would manage. But I hadn't counted on the hormones that turned me into someone I barely recognized. I was forever nagging at him. Our arguments, which had been epic before, grew more and more drastic; nothing he did was right and our earlier troubles overshadowed the connection we had established."

"I withdrew into my work, always away, hardly speaking to Harry the rare times I came home for fear of doing something wrong."

"And I felt so alone, but I didn't know how to address what bothered me. We simply did not know how to speak to one another. I had never known a healthy relationship, and role-models were missing." 

Letting my thoughts drift back to my childhood I remember that of course they fought, and sometimes it was loud, but they always made up before we kids went to bed. There was no day when I was not sure that my parents loved each other.

"But why did you leave then, Dad?"

"By the time Oscar was two years old, just before I left Draco, we hardly spoke to one another. We occupied separate spaces in our home. I was alone with Oz even though I was married and I couldn't stand it any more. So one day I just walked out. It was not a very smart decision, but the only one I thought I could make. And then all of a sudden, Draco paid attention to Oz, and it hurt so much!"

"I felt that even though I had failed, in making you stay, I would at least know everything about my son. And because my pride was hurt I turned to the tested and tried method. of driving you insane." Papa smirks, and Dad laughs.

I begin to see that communication is a very important part, in a mature relationship. I still want to know more though and thus settle on the settee in the living room, “Do you mind if I read here? “ I ask before sitting down and opening Papa’s journal again.

  
  


As an answer Dad puts a new cup of tea in front of me, and curls into Papa's side to read his own book.

 

***

 

I read on, glossing over the time after the divorce and the bitterness, the endless arguments, but at the back of my head there is a niggling thought. Dad always said that the opposite of love was not hate but indifference, and Papa has never been indifferent to Dad. He held on for as long as he could and then let go, while still making sure that Dad had to think of him again and again. My Papa was still a Slytherin through and through. I come to the time when Oscar first showed his illness and the feeling I get from the booklines is fear. Complete and utter fear and I don't just want to read about this, I want them to tell me about that time. I close the book and address my parents.

 

“Tell me about the thing that brought you back together, what was it that made it possible to overcome all of this?”

 

Dad seems to ponder this for a while, but then he begins to talk.

 

"You know hon - I was forty when life threw us back together, due to Orion's illness. When we decided to have you I was forty-one.  In the beginning we had no idea what made your brother so sick. I admit at first I had thought that it was some old Malfoy family curse." Dad looks at Papa, and there is still an apology in his eyes as he takes his hand. "But when we realized that he was on the way, Draco checked all of the old family scrolls and such. And he had done all those protective rituals for Beltane before he was born."

Papa strokes Dad’s hand, as he takes over again. "At that time I was so desperate. The prospect of losing Oscar or Harry for good nearly overwhelmed me, because I knew if it was something from Harry's side it would have killed him"

"Yeah, thinking it could have to do with Voldemort, was the worst feeling in the world." A shadow passes over Dad's face and Papa kisses his cheek softly.

 

"In a way it was a relief to find out that it was Cassum's disease." Papa continues. "Knowing it was Cassum's gave us a fighting chance. Because even though his body was cursing itself, we could help him with our magic and try to find a way to reset his magic."

I remember, Oz called me his lifesaver more than once, but I wonder how they could go from not being able to be in the same room, to being able to make me? And did they just snap their fingers and were able to be intimate just because needs must?

I voice that question and Papa answers.

"No hon, I simply never stopped loving your dad. Even when we were apart, even when we fought. Part of me always loved Harry, and part of me always hoped that we would get another chance."

Dad smiles and says "For me it was a little more complex. I knew that your Papa had always loved me, he told me so when I asked him, why he had asked me to marry me in the first place."

"I remember, we sat at Oz bed and he slept." Papa throws in, "you asked and I said that I was in love with you and couldn't think of being without you for a second longer. I thought it was the next logical step, for us to get married, what with a baby on the way and so on. And for the first time since we had gone our separate ways I could ask you what I had never really understood before. I could ask why you said yes, when you were not in love with me." 

"I think I still hadn't been completely honest with myself. I didn't know what love really was. So I said that I had only liked you, even though I admitted to liking you very much and thinking it would be enough. To be fair back then I still thought it was the truth. I realized only later when you stood by me so steadfast, that all through the years before, I still had had that quiet longing in me and that this longing for you had never really gone away. And the first couple months with you had been so intense, I felt like I belonged somewhere for the first time. When you withdrew into your work, I was hurt. I felt rejected." Dad takes a deep breath. "When I realized that, I went home and got drunk."

I stare at my Dad, he has never been this open, but it is Papa who gapes at him.

"You did what?"

"Yeah, I got drunk. Because I had to admit that I had probably been the guilty party, that I had walked out on something good. Because of my inability to voice my feelings, and our son was suffering for it."

"No! Harry, we both made mistakes. We did talk about this! And I needed the wake-up call. I needed to realize that I could have lost you for good, because I was too stubborn to look beyond prestige!"

I look at them and there is the fire, the passion that I always associated with my parents, it is utterly them. Is that what love is about? Admitting that you are wrong and trying to figure out how to get it right together? But before I can ask Dad turns back to me and continues.

 

"But back to your question Aquila, I always found your Papa attractive, and when we knew that the only way to give Oz a fighting chance was to create a new life, it was a second first chance for the two us."

"Maybe you should just read a little more," Papa gently suggests and I do so. Turning back to the pages I sink back into the past.

 

*******  
  


_ We got the information today that the only chance for Oscar will be another baby. Even though I am beyond happy that there is realistic opportunity for my son to get healthy again, I am also afraid, _

_ Being intimate with Harry again, I never thought I would have the opportunity to feel his body against mine again. _

_ I am still scared, not that the baby will feel like spare parts as I said in the hospital. Because Harry has made it clear that he would not put this story out there. I hated having people judging us all the time, I now know he gave the interviews in order to keep the rest of the reporters away from us. He has reacted harshly at first, but when I backtracked he reached out for me. "No child of mine is going to grow up feeling like a spare part, ever," he said and of course I knew that, but he surprised me with what followed. "You know that, Draco. And I'm sure no Malfoy would allow their child to feel that way, either." No matter how much we might have disagreed, but he has never contested that my parents loved family. And put family above all else. _

_ He will carry the baby again; a part of me is envious. I am just not magically strong enough to sustain a pregnancy. And Harry fell pregnant easily the first time, although we both are forty now. Harry can joke about getting pregnant easily, but that close connection between them hurt me, especially since Harry has been so unapproachable during the first pregnancy. Will it be like this again?  _

_ At least Harry has agreed to re-do the childcare agreements and he has surprised me, when he allowed me to give my father access to the children. He loves Oscar so much that Harry has no idea how much it meant to me that he gave in on that part. Whom am I kidding, I still love him. I want my family back. But to approach this topic Oz has to be better first. _

 

*******

 

I am still reading, but I glance at my parents from time to time, gauging their reactions. There has been so much about Papa’s feelings, but I am still unprepared for the next entry. It makes me blush and I slam the book shut. Papa grins at Dad. “I think we should step outside for a bit.” He turns towards me. “You don't have to read everything in there, if it makes you uncomfortable, skip over it. Just know that I am not ashamed of anything that I have written in there.”  I nod and wait until they both leave the room to make more tea before I dare to look at the pages in front of me.

 

_ "It's been a while for me," he said as he prepared himself. "Just so you know." And it is insane but I am happy to know that there have been not many others beside me with him, and I was so nervous, so terrified of doing something wrong, but he took that fear away somehow and  we managed to come together, even forgot a bit about the huge pressure that is on us. We had fun, laughed together and then I messed it up again somehow. And I don't even know how.  _

 

I can't believe that I am reading this! How could Papa give me this? But then I realize that he would not have written it in the diary if he didn't take a lesson from it. So I take his words to mind, that he is not ashamed of his thoughts and in the end I came from this union, and I know that they are still in love and I am not so naive to think that my parents are celibate, so I read on.

 

 _Suddenly Harry went still, going over the situation all I can remember is that I smiled at him, as he laughed with me, my heart so full of love. I have always loved him, and maybe I had not taken care enough to conceal it? He stared at me for a while before he turned away, as if he couldn't bear looking at me anymore. But I could not address it at the moment. We had to finish what we had started and so I followed Harry's cues, when he kissed me and asked_ _"Aren't you supposed to be getting me pregnant?" I wanted to tell him that I wanted to look into his eyes while we made love, but I reigned myself in. Harry wanted no more intimacy that we had to have, as much as it pained me. So I touched him no too much, while still maintaining a connection. When I came down from my high I enjoyed the feel of his skin for as long as he let me. But then he complained about being too hot and I had to give him some space. At least he remained next to me and allowed my touch. Trailing my fingers from the top of Harry's cleft, all along up the valley of his spine to his neck, and back down again. Harry liked it when I did that, and from the languid air he exhumes he still likes it, relaxing once more. Just when I thought that he had fallen asleep he surprised me again._

_ "Draco," he murmured, drowsily. _

_ "Hmm?" _

_ "You said Oscar, earlier. Not Orion." I stopped my touches for a moment, but caught myself easily enough _

_ "They're both his names, aren't they?" was my reply as I picked up stroking his back again, Harry fell silent and when I dared to look at him he was sound asleep a smile, on his face. _

_ I love you so much, Harry. Calling Oscar by the name you picked out for him is natural now that I see you with him again, and feel the love you have for our son. _

 

I close the book. There is so much in these few written lines. It must have been hard for Papa to take his cues from Dad, to just give him space and to let him lead. To know that Dad could not allow the true intimacy and to remain patient.

 

*******  
  
  


_ I have not known fear like this for a long time. Knowing that our daughter has to be born a month early, for Oscar to have a chance at survival. What am I going to do if I lose them both? Not only that, what will I do if I lose Harry? I cannot do this again, if Harry hates me again if this goes wrong. I am not strong enough to put myself back together again. If I lose my family again, it is my end. But Harry probably can read my mind, as I hold onto his hand as tightly as I can. _

_ "Draco." his voice a caress, and I don't dare looking at him, I must be crushing his hand and he calls me again. I close my eyes against the tears and shake my head but then his voice comes through.  _

_ "Stay with me?" _

_ And there is only one answer. Yes." I breathe out immediately. "I will."  _

_ Not only right now, but if he lets me forever. _

 

When I close the book  my cheeks are wet. I need to talk to him, because I need to understand. I find them both in the kitchen, making tea and talking softly. When the door opens Papa turns towards me and his eyes widen at my tear streaked face. With ease he pulls me to his chest and I go, safe in his embrace and mumble into his shirt.

 

"How could you bear the fear?"

He hugs me close, and it takes a while before he answers.

"You know, there was not much choice. Harry had always been a part of my life. Losing him or Oscar completely, that was just unimaginable. So I was strong for him. When I asked him much later what he had meant, Harry smiled at me exhausted and said that he originally meant for when they would have to do the transfusion in the hospital; but at the same time thought of the first time I asked him to marry me."

"Did you know then?"

"Did I know what?" 

"That he loved you?"

"Honey, even when he hated me, he loved me."

 

Looking at Dad he simply smiles, and everything is written in that smile.

  
  


***

 

I think I finally understand what love really means.

I read the article that Papa has put into the back of the diary and my eyes hook on this statement my Dad made:  
  


_ "Draco? Draco has always been a part of my life, one way or the other, hasn't he? We weren't right for each other, not then." _

_ "And now?" I press. He laughs a little. _

_ "We just had to grow into what we needed to be for each other, I think."  _

 

"I also recall yelling at Draco, something I hadn't done in quite a while but I was trying, and learning. We both were. " Dad laughs as he peeks over my shoulder and looks at the article that is in my hand. 

"Don't think that everything was cream and peaches, we still fought.“ Dad continues and I shake my head exasperatedly. Because I remember the fights, but also the fact that they always made up before we went to bed. There was never a doubt that they wanted to make it work between them.

"But it never made us doubt our love again!" Papa kisses Dad, softly and I smile, I like seeing them so in love,

 

*******

 

"It is not that we won't miss you, when you are on the other side of the world. But honey your dad and I are 66 years old. We need time to be alone with each other." Papa is looking at Dad and suddenly the air feels charged. I feel my cheeks heat up, and don't know where to look, remembering some of the intimate thoughts that Papa has written in his diary. He still desires Dad, and while that thought is somewhat nauseating it also makes me giddy inside, if they can hold on to this, why shouldn't I be able to.

Dad picks up when Papa is trailing of, not quite sure how to continue.  "Aquila, I am sure Theo is not doing this to separate you from us. He is basically begging you not to leave him alone, can't you see?" 

I nod and kiss them both. They smile encouragingly at me and I turn towards the door.

 

I need to talk to the man I love.

  
  


Love doesn't mean that everything is easy, or that you always agree. Love can mean messy fights, even tears. But foremost it means growing together, To never give up on one another and to take chances. Maybe not only one, but second or third ones, as long as you decide to be with that one person who is part of you. And sometimes you take a second first chance, because that is what love is all about.

  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> [Fic headers](http://hd-remix.tumblr.com/post/160517824829/remix-for-megyal-what-love-really-means-author) and a [pull quote](http://hd-remix.tumblr.com/post/160658718938/did-you-know-then-did-i-know-what-that) have been cross-posted to tumblr. Help us promote the fest by liking and reblogging!


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